The Cleverness of Me
by Audra Lachesis
Summary: People have such odd courtship rituals. They fuss and fret about every little thing, until they drive themselves to distraction with worry. Their lives would be so much easier if they just exchanged dead mice like a normal species…


The Cleverness of Me  
By Audra Lachesis  


A/N: Written in response to the H/G Ficafest Challenge on LiveJournal: 'Harry buys Ginny a kitten for her birthday. Story is told from the kitten's POV and what Harry reveals to her/him as he prepares for Ginny's birthday.' Much thanks for beta help from tygerlily324 (Kris), significantowl (MC), and crookedhalo (Kelly), all on LiveJournal, and my own cat Izzy for feline inspiration. Warning: excessively fluffy. May cause cavities and/or inexplicable catnip cravings.

There are all sorts of different modes of transportation, these days. Floo Powder, Apparition, broomsticks – not that I've ever tried any of those, of course. My only travel experience has been from within a cardboard box. And believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

The very first time I traveled by box, I was completely unprepared when the lid lifted, flooding my box with light. Cats have excellent eyesight, you know, but it still takes us a minute or two to adjust to sudden changes. I was in the middle of my nap, too – how's that for inconsiderate? I yawned extravagantly and blinked up at the figure silhouetted against the light.

"Hullo, there," a voice called. "Are you comfortable?"

This question was so very silly that I didn't even dignify it with a reply. I had more important matters to attend to, such as that invisible speck of dirt on my right paw. Washing is more important than answering the inane queries of a _human_.

My disdain didn't seem to faze the usurper in the slightest. Despite my obvious indifference, he reached into my box and lifted me out.

"Excuse me, sir," I demanded, "But what exactly do you think you are doing? I was _washing_, I'll have you know!"

My captor blinked uncomprehendingly. Silly creature. It must be terrible to be too stupid to speak Cat. Why, even _dogs_ understand Cat, and that's quite a feat. But for some reason, humans as a species refuse to learn the languages of their superiors. For all this poor fool knew, I had just said 'meow'.

The ignorant one deposited me gently on a large, fluffy cushion. In an effort to restore my dignity, I arranged myself in my most haughty pose, sitting upright and ramrod straight on my new throne. Instead of being properly intimidated, he actually seemed to be amused. He chuckled and scratched me behind the ears, in that spot that I can never quite reach, and I decided that he could be forgiven. Humans don't know any better, after all.

My release from the confines of the box gave me my first opportunity to inspect my new human. He was tall, of course – all humans are – but I'd seen taller humans in my admittedly short life. He was mostly furless, as well, like most humans, except for that black mop on the top of his head. It needed washing badly, for it stuck out in all directions. I also noticed that he had grass-coloured eyes behind the most unusual frame contraptions. They were a bit silly looking, really – I'll never understand people.

"You've been a good boy," he told me, much to my disgust. Males. Always inflicting their gender on other animals. I began to pity this human, for being too clueless to realize that I was, in fact, female. A good _girl_, as it were, if that weren't already condescending enough.

He started scratching between my ears again, though, and I forgot to be properly indignant. I was, after all, a very young cat, and young cats are easily distracted. I rolled over onto my back, batting at his hands. He kept scratching, under my chin and chest, and despite my earlier pique, I started to purr.

He was talking again. For someone who didn't speak a word of Cat, he sure talked a lot.

"You'll do just fine, I think," he murmured. "You'll like Ginny – she's a cat lover, I've been told, and it's her birthday tomorrow. She's never had a pet of her own before, but you'll like her."

What's this? He wasn't my new human at all! I was to be given _another_ human instead, for her birthday.

I hoped she liked catnip.

The messy one had stopped scratching for some reason, and was staring at my box with a worried frown on his face. This wouldn't do at all. I mewed at him, reminding him that I still needed attention. I may be a very young cat, but I can tell when something is bothering a human. Of course, that's still no reason to ignore the cat.

I twisted to my feet and padded lightly to the edge of the table that held my cushion and my box. A nudge in his chest and another piteous 'mew', and he snapped back to the matter at hand – namely, showering me with affection.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I just – I really hope Ginny likes you. I've never gotten her a birthday present before, much less a kitten. And the Weasleys haven't had the best pet experiences, after Scabbers the rat."

Rat? My ears perked up. What rat? I could take him. I was going to be a mighty hunter some day. Bring on your rat, O Messy One!

The boy shrugged. "Ginny's just finished Hogwarts, though, and she's been there for me quite a bit for the past few years. I don't want her to think I'm just another one of her brothers, or that I'd forget her birthday, or – well, let's just say I _really_ hope she likes you." His skin had turned pink behind those ridiculous frames.

Ah. I understood. Really, humans had the most bizarre courting rituals. Why didn't he just sniff her fur? Humans had pheromones, too, after all. Or better yet, bring her a dead mouse. I'd like to be courted like that, when I got a bit older. But humans have always been odd creatures, I suppose. To each species his own.

So he was trying to foster the girl's affections through me, was he? I wasn't sure if I really approved of that. I mean, I might be devastatingly cute and cuddly, but still. Mighty hunter, and all.

He had stopped scratching again, and the worried look was back. Poor dumb boy. He was doing the best he could. Not only was he human, but he was a human male – working under a double handicap. The poor boy could use all the help he could get.

And there just might be something I could do to help. I gave his fingers an encouraging lick, mewed confidently, and returned to my cushion.

If I were going to help this particular human, it would require a nap.

I was starting to resent that cardboard box. Cats can see in the dark, fortunately, or this particular mode of transportation would really annoy me. As it was, we were on our way to meet my new human, so I was busy making myself presentable. The messy one had clumsily tied a bright red ribbon around my neck in lieu of a collar. I had chewed on it experimentally for a few minutes, but it was tied securely, if askew. I could endure it, at least, so I concentrated on washing my face instead. Whisker hygiene is very important, you know.

After an interminable amount of time, I heard voices. The messy one was talking to someone else, someone with a silvery laugh and a soothing voice. I hoped it was my human; she sounded like she liked catnip.

I was ready for the sudden light, this time, and blinked owlishly to adjust my vision. This time the figure peering down at me had bright hair the colour of the setting sun, and she stared at me in surprise.

"Love me," I told her matter-of-factly. "I am the cutest, cleverest thing you have ever seen. Give the messy one a kiss, then scratch my ears."

All she heard was 'mew', of course.

With a delighted cry, the bright one lifted me out of my box for inspection. "Oh, Harry, she's just adorable! I love her already, thank you so much!"

I resisted the urge to throw a smirk at the messy one. At least this one – Ginny, was it? – was smart enough to notice I was female.

"You can have a kitten, right?" Harry asked anxiously. "Now that you're out of school and on your own, I mean. I thought you could use the company." He trailed off awkwardly, turning pink once more.

Ginny laughed and cradled me against her shoulder. She started to scratch my ears, in that same spot I could never reach. Oh, I liked her. She smelled like daisies. Daisies are the tastiest flowers ever.

"Yes, my landlord allows pets in the flat," Ginny answered. "I've never had an animal of my own, though – she's so sweet! Really, Harry, you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble."

I twisted in her grasp, batting at a stray lock of fiery hair with one paw. I was pouring on the cuteness, yes, but sometimes subtlety is lost on humans, after all.

Harry shrugged. "It wasn't any trouble. It's your birthday, after all, and I thought you might like him – her, that is."

"Kiss him," I meowed. "Kiss him, silly girl, and then play with me." I batted the lock of hair more insistently.

My new human must be one of the smartest humans in the world – because right on cue, as if she understood me, she leaned over and kissed Harry lightly on the cheek, right at the corner of his mouth. Both of them were pink now, and Ginny looked just as surprised as Harry. She recovered faster, though, and gave him a shy smile.

"Thank you," she whispered. "This is the best birthday present ever."

Harry finally managed to find his voice, and croaked out a hoarse, "You're welcome."

Quite pleased with myself, I curled up on my new human's shoulder and began to purr loudly. It was a start, at least. Humans, being notoriously thick, needed constant watching for this sort of thing, but I was a young cat, after all.

And my human was a clever one, almost as clever as a cat. She'd catch on soon enough – if she hadn't already.

END


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